Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Down on my knees

I know I haven't been blogging as of late, and I am deeply sorry for that! I am just so frustrated with this child of mine! He has been given such a gift of life and he is just throwing it away, it is making me so sad. Nothing has changed since the last posting and we had a huge meeting last Thursday and the doctors set him straight as to how things have to be, including telling him that he is not going to be able to leave unless he makes some serious changes. They also told me that I can not remind him of things such as his vitals and other low maintenance stuff. I remind him every day that he needs to get up and walk and get out of bed, but he is an adult and I can't physically make him get out of bed! Boy do I wish I could! He has to want this and so far he hasn't shown any wanting..... he is deeply depressed and I get that, but he has to start changing his behavior.

He had such a major trauma in his life and I accept that and more then anything I want to help him through it, we all do, but he has to want us to help him and so far he doesn't. He knows what he needs to be doing, he is CHOOSING not to do it. It is very hard to sit and watch your child almost die not once but four times in the hospital, but it is even harder to sit and watch your child give up on his brand new life. The hospital was the easy part this part is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Most of the time I keep my feelings on all of this bottled up inside, because I have felt right from the start that this whole situation was not about me, but about David. Finally this weekend I released most of those feelings with a group of really close Christian women, I am so glad that I did. This experience has been eating me alive, not to mention several other "life" things that have happened along the way, it has not been my ideal past 5 months and I am so over this experience. One thing I learned, AGAIN, this weekend is I am not alone in this fight and I do not have to be alone. I am not giving up on David in the least bit but I have been so focused on him that I have forgotten about not only my husband and his needs, but mine as well. It is very easy to let the "sickness" control your life and I refuse to do that any longer.

David needs to wake up and gain control of his new "normal", it is something that he is going to have to do and practice doing everyday, because the reality of the situation is this is his life now. He needs to learn how to do these things by himself so that he can adjust to reality when we finally get to leave this place. I am ready to go home, now we must get him ready to go home. I will continue to remind him everyday that this is not just about him anymore, his choices right now are affecting everyone around him, me, his dad, and most of all his little brother and sister, he needs to realize that and I won't stop reminding him until it does. I may not be able to say, "David you need to do......." but I will tell him everyday, "David I want to go home, how are YOU going to make that possible." This is up to him right now, I have done everything in my power to be a strong pole for this boy and I will continue to do so, but he needs to do some of this on his own.

I want you all to pray for David everyday, I know you are, but really pray for him to lean on the Lord right now. Only the Lord will bring David out of this pit and I feel like his faith in God is waning and that makes me so sad. He has always been rock solid in his faith and now I wonder where that has gone. David is the strongest person I know, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will rise above this, because of who he is and who he wants to be. He is in a dark place right now, and by all means he deserves a little thinking time. But it is up to the rest of us to really pray and lift him up so that the darkness will leave him and he will lean on the light of the Lord.


  1. Mom, you are doing great, you have been a wonderful support for him, i can only imagine the impact on YOUR life and the rest of the family, and the lil ones not having mom and dad around everyday... keep up the good work, keep your head up and sounds like you have a great plan to say to him everyday what he is going to do to get you to be able to go home... dont feel bad to vent to him too.. let him know how you feel, he will get it :) prayers


  2. Continuing to pray for you all. I agree with the previous comment. DO vent to David also. It may help to get him out of his funk if he realizes how very hard this is on YOU. It seems as if being passive is not what he needs. I pray to our Lord to shine His light upon David and give him the strength he needs to care for this wonderful gift. It's going to be his turn to pay it forward soon... the Lord will prepare him for His divine plan. God bless you, and give you strength.