March 4th, 2009

The doctors came in today and told us what I had been expecting to hear, that David's heart condition is worsening. They have now had to put him back on 2 out of the 3 heart meds that they took him off of last week in order to help his heart function better. The bummer part of all this is that he feels the best when he is on the meds because they help his heart work so well, but that means he has to stay in the ICU while on them. It is truly a battle of lesser evils in my opinion. As soon as they started him on the second heart med today I saw an instant change in him, his color got better, he wanted to eat a little bit, he started playing his PSP, and we got him up for a walk.

He had to face a hard truth today, that he would not be leaving the hospital before the heart transplant. Somewhere in the back of his mind I think he was hoping that he would be well enough and some point to leave the hospital and continue the wait at the hotel or better yet at home. The doctors and I had to get real with him today and tell him that was just not a possibility, his heart is too weak. Watching him take in that realization was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Once again I realized that he is so young and there isn't any good reason why he should have to be going through this. As soon as the doctors left he was incredibly angry and frustrated it was written all over his face, he asked me to go and get him something to drink and I knew that was my cue to give him some alone time. Believe me I needed it as well.

I sat in the bathroom for the longest time images of this child flashing through my head and wondering once again WHY US??? That is the million dollar question here, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but honestly lets just get it out there, why in the heck did it have to be us?? I kept thinking about him when he got his first bike on Christmas Eve in 95, how he looked on our wedding day, the day that John was born, his first day of high school, and the day he left for the Navy and I felt incredibly naive and stupid for taking every one of those memories for granted. It's not even as if I was trying to recall those memories they were just all of a sudden there like the Lord was trying to tell me something and I have yet to figure it out.

When I returned to his room after lunch his spirits were a little better and I could tell he felt much more resolved about the situation. I owe a lot of this resolution to the nurse we had today, Greg. I can't thank him enough for sitting by David's bedside and just letting David talk or looking at me while David was sleeping and taking the time to make sure I was ok after we received such heavy news today. It is people like the Greg's in the world that make it a little bit easier to deal with this incredible pain. Back to what he said to me... he looked at me and with that typical David attitude (and all of you who know him know what I mean) said to me "I am really sick and I am not going to get better without a new heart, and so if I have to stay here in the ICU in the mean time, oh well, I can deal with that." And that was that, he had resigned himself to it and I could just tell he made himself right with the Lord and had moved on.

Oh how I wish I had that strength, I felt like the weakest link for crying in the bathroom at that point. I know I had every right, but here is this child going through what no 19 year old should EVER have to go through and he made himself ok with it, just like that. And here I am this 32 year old woman struggling every minute of the day trying to make myself understand why. This boy has taught me lessons upon lessons of life and I can not wait for the day that I can share that with him.