February 6th, 2009

The doctors have decided to go ahead and insert the Central Line today, I am still waiting to see why this decision was made. Last night when I left they were very happy with the progress Dave was making when he was walking around and sitting up. So something must have shown up in a blood test or vitals that make them concerned enough to want to go ahead and insert that. Please pray for Dave because this means he will have to stay in bed all the time and will barely be allowed to sit up in the bed due to the placement of the IV in his neck. I was really hoping this would not happen, I am trying not to question the Lord but every day it gets harder and harder not to.

Last night it finally hit me straight in the gut-- our son is dying, without a new heart he will die. He can not function without these VERY strong medicines that travel by IV straight into his body. I was beside myself in grief, I laid there and just sobbed because after almost 3 weeks of this roller coaster it hit me that he is dying. I think that the Lord gives you some sort of armor to make it through for a little while and then it is almost like he reaches down and touches you and says, "OK enough it's time you face the truth, but it is OK because I am holding you." That is how I felt last night, the world all of a sudden crashed down on me, but I felt this strange comfort that the Lord was there with me telling me that even though it was time to face the truth he was there.

Things like these make it so hard to trust in the Lord, because we as simple mortal beings can't see through to the other side and see his plans through this. We only want what we want, we don't really stop and think that the Lord has a plan through this. If the Lord took my sweet boy home with him today it would be so hard to see what he has planned through that, just like it is hard to fathom why he is putting him through all of this now. It takes every bone of strength in my body not to question our makers plan through all of this, and I know that we may never know why he is putting not only all of us through this, but most importantly David. What is he trying to show us or teach us?

That is why being a Christian is so great, "We walk by Faith, Not by Sight". I thank Kevin Boesler for sharing that little piece of scripture with us yesterday when he came down for a visit, it struck a chord with me because it is the truth. We must trust in the Lord with all our hearts because he will do right by us and we mustn't question his plans, because we don't know the plans he has for us. But the best part about being a Christian is knowing that no matter what he will never leave us or forsake us, he is always there, in our times of happiness or despair. I find great comfort in that.